Aelred was born in 1109, into a family who had long been the treasurers of the shrine of Cuthbert of Lindisfarne at Durham Cathedral. While still a youth, he was sent for education in upper-class life to thecourt of King David of Scotland, son of Queen Margaret. The king’s stepsons, Simon and Waldef, were his models and intimate friends. But after intense disillusionment and inner struggle, Aelred went to Yorkshire, where he became a Cistercian monk at the abbey of Rievaulx in 1133.

Aelred soon became a major figure in English church life. Sent to Rome on diocesan affairs by Archbishop William of York, he returned by way of Clairvaux. Here he made a deep impression on Bernard, who encouraged the young monk to write his first work, The Mirror of Charity, on Christian perfection. In 1143, Aelred led the founding of a new Cistercian house at Revesby. Four years later, he was appointed abbot of Rievaulx. By the time of his death in 1167, the abbey had more than 600 monks, including Aelred’s biographer and friend, Walter Daniel. During this period, Aelred wrote his best known work, Spiritual Friendship.

Friendship, Aelred teaches, is both a gift from God and a creation of human effort. While love should be universal and freely given to all, friendship is a particular love between individuals, of which the example is Jesus and John the Beloved Disciple. As abbot, Aelred allowed his monks to hold hands and give other expressions of friendship. In the spirit of Anselm of Canterbury and Bernard of Clairvaux, Aelred writes:

“There are four qualities that characterize a friend: Loyalty, right intention, discretion, and patience. Right intention seeks for nothing other than God and natural good. Discretion brings understanding of what is done on a friend’s behalf, and ability to know when to correct faults. Patience enables one to be justly rebuked, or to bear adversity on another’s behalf. Loyalty guards and protects friendship, in good or bitter times.”

Aelred died in the year 1167.